love of friends

Tonight we studied Peter in my small group. I get blown away every time I think about it, but Peter and Jesus shared a great love that only friends can share.

Jesus put high expectations on Peter, and never gave up on him even after he failed. All he asked was that Peter loved him he would feed his sheep.

And so it begins, my comparing of myself to Peter and how alike I am to him. I would like to think I would have called out to Jesus to ask him if I could come out to him on the water. I would like to think that I would have stayed by his side and learned from what he had to offer. I know I would have betrayed him. I know I would have fallen asleep on him.

But the thing that makes me get the most choked up today is thinking about my friendships and the love that is shared there. I can honestly say I have two strong friends whom I feel this special bond with, each in their own way, but both with a love like Peter and Jesus shared.

I think my favorite Peter scene is when he realizes that Christ is risen he jumps in the water and swims to shore instead of waiting on the boat to dock. It is that enthusiasm which I greet my friends, and deep love and respect that I have for them. At least I would like to hope so.

I wonder what it would be like to actually be an apostle of Christ. They really had no idea until it all came down and played out. I mean they had a clue, but really they wouldn’t have bet on it, the idea was just so foreign to them.

So must it be with me, and what God is doing with my brokenness, I know he is assembling me back together for good, but I am not sure what. One of the things he is healing is friendships, and of this I am grateful to have the ones that I do, real friendships that pick up right where they left off and grow as time goes on.

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I am what I am

Not everyone is made to run. I have accepted this fact now. I was not one of those people that were born to run. I have many friends that are, and often I can get upset at myself when I read all the facebook posts about running. I have to remember that some people were not created to run, and am one of those people.

I know this because when I tried to run I broke my foot. Too many times I have tried stuff and failed, perhaps I was only wasting my time. But knowing yourself means also knowing what you are NOT as well as what you ARE.

I am not a runner. This I know. I am not a designer soccer mom, I know this too. What am I? I am what I am, what God says I am, no more, no less.

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Wilderness Experience

I can’t help but feel like the ancient Hebrews traveling through the wilderness. I keep looking back at life in captivity and thinking how much easier things were. But you see they weren’t. I was a slave, I was unhappy. Just because things were in plenty, I saw the old life as easier. Things were always around and I never had a need for anything. Now things are different, I have traveled in this desert now for a good three years. I try not to compare life now to life back then, but its hard when it comes to money. As a slave to the job I had it made really. I had it so good I had no idea how much I wasted.

Today things don’t come so easy, and when they do its not because of my hard work but only because of God’s grace and goodness. Which is why it is better to be in the wilderness then a slave in Egypt. In Egypt everything  I had was from my hard work, and I did not appreciate it. I wasted my blessings, and for that I am sad. I often wonder if I had that income now what I could do with it.

But I don’t. I’m a nomad now. And I have to get used to the freedom, and allow God to shape me during this time, because he is preparing me for the promised land, the land of milk and honey. Will I be a better steward of my money? Will I appreciate the time in the wilderness, or will I forget. I won’t forget, at least I say that, but I know myself too well and God won’t let me forget because he will keep reminding me that it is all his anyways. Then there will be the student loans. And what if I don’t get a job?

What will life look like on the other side of the wilderness I do not know. I don’t want to think it will be easier, but I hope it is because I can’t live like this and stay sane for too long. I just want to be comfortable. That is not one of God’s goals for me an it drives me batty. Don’t get comfortable because life moves on, and things change.

One thing that I get too comfortable with is people. I take them for granted that they will be around for a while. Life is but a vapor, and we are but dust in the wind. I need to remember that and make life count more, make relationships count more. Because in the end it is all I can take with me, relationships and the way they affect me.  `

Life isn’t about money, but people. We need to use money and love people, but too often we use people and love money. God help me not to be that way.

I want to leave a good impression on people, and positively change their lives, or leave a positive affect on their lives. Like my friend Denise, she left a positive affect on my life, and changed my life for the better.

Life isn’t about the destination or getting comfortable, its about the journey. Let us make this journey enjoyable and help others to make their journey enjoyable.


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i used to

I used to be able to write.

I used to be able to hang out for a long time in the bathtub.

I used to be able to run. Not that I enjoyed it, but I was able to.

Now I need to figure out what it is that I am meant to do.

Am I getting in the way of God’s blessings for me?



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First Love

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

You know sometimes a sermon speaks to you directly.  Sometimes it is a passage in the Bible.

Do you remember when you first fell in love with Jesus? I do. I remember carrying my Bible everywhere, reading it and journaling whenever I got the chance. I took time to get to know God and build a relationship with Him.

I’ve been reading Frances Chan recently, actually read all three of his books in a few days. Crazy Love, Forgotten God and Erasing Hell. These books are just awesome, but also convicting. I know I have lost my first love, and I need to gain him back.

Jesus, you are what my life is supposed to be about.

You call me to stuff that is not always what the world values, and so I need to remember that, and walk in faith.

It’s not about the money, its about faith. It’s not about the status, it’s not about my esteem, it’s about faith. What you value will ultimately determine what you do.

God has a plan for me, and I need to trust that he is going to make it come true.

I need to let my love lead the way, I need to continually pursue a relationship with him.

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Colors of Autumn

I have come to a conclusion about autumn. I believe that God knows winter is coming, so he puts on a spectacular show for us all. Think about it, we are about to enter a season where everything turns white and grey. Why not give us a great big show of color to help us hold over to the spring? Of course winter is always longer than the human mind can take, so God has to make spring spectacular with the different colors and blossoms that occur at that time as well. It has to be this way, we need a wintery season, but God tries to make the best of it by giving us fall and spring.

Sunshine has a way of making you forget the rain, and so does rain have a way of making you forget the sunshine. We need a good balance of both to survive. That is why fall colors are so necessary. They are like the sunshine before the rain. The brightness of color before the dreary of winter.

So get out your cameras and soak in the colors before they fall off the tree. God gave us this time to enjoy…

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Senior Summary

So the time has come for me to have my senior seminar, which means a summary paper. Time for me to go back to the beginning of school and focus on everything I have learned. Now I could go back and tell you about things I learned the definition of, but in reality I learned more about myself over this past year or so that I learned about what is written in books.

I learned that I love life, that I actually want to live life and live it well. I learned how to be more open, to approach things from different angles, to look in the blank spaces as well as the colored in ones. I’ve learned that this world has many more shades of grey than I ever imagined possible. I’ve learned that some people have colors you can’t see when looking at them. Sometimes you have to hover above everything in order to really understand it. Things aren’t good or bad, they just are. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how much money you get paid if the work environment is disastrously bad for you, you will be happy making minimum wage in a healthy environment.

I’ve learned that even reading old school papers can make me cry.

I’m a totally different person now than I was a year ago. Honestly, I cannot wait to be a different person next year, and the year after that. I love how school not only changes me, but challenges me to change.  All while staying true to who I am, or in reality, becoming more truly who I am meant to be.

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We didn’t wait very long after Abby passed before we brought home a new pup. Abby had been deteriorating for some time, and we had been missing the dog that she was at length before she left us. We were ready for some new life into the family. We got Yogi through someone Dave met at work. Yogi is a girl unlike any other dogs we had had before. She is black and brown instead of white an brown. Her fur is entirely different from Abby’s fur, as are her ears and tail. Her disposition is what varies mostly. Yogi is super laid back (until we leave her alone) and is a subordinate as opposed to Abby’s hyperactivity and Alpha nature. Yogi is most likely to roll onto her back and expose her belly. Abby would try to climb on top of you.

I still miss the old Abby, I still miss Muffi and George my dogs from growing up. I miss Chinook, Woody, Shadow, and Daisy also. But now I have Yogi to worry about and take care of, and Yogi has her own set of personality quirks that require adjusting to. Like take for example her tendency to chew on everything. I am sure its a puppy thing, at least I am praying it is. But so far she has chewed on my shoes and school bag, torn a towel to shreds and destroyed a pair of the boy’s jeans. Not to mention the tennis ball that she made into a million piece puzzle and the several dog bones which have disappeared as quickly as they were taken out of the bag.

Mostly she is a sweetheart, running up to you and giving you kisses then rolling on her back so you rub her belly. She gets along great with other dogs, and even tries to get along with the cat. Phoebe is not as playful, but has adjusted very quickly to having Yogi around. Finally she is the alpha in the house, and the dog actually submits to her. Just one hiss gets Yogi to back off.

Yogi came with her name, at first they started calling her Bear, then Yogi Bear, then just Yogi. She reacts to her name, so we kept it. It is a cute name, and sometimes we like to call her Yogurt P. Egeland. The P stands for Portillo, because she is the jumbo version of the Portillo’s mascot. Jeramy will tell you her name is just Yogi, but she responds to Yogurt also.

I look forward to creating many more memories with Yogi.

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Leadership Seminar

So I find myself being boggled yet again. I think it has more to do with having to put things into words than actually doing them. I find myself in a class on leadership having to write about how I am a leader and my leadership skills etc.  I am a leader because I lead a small group. I am a leader because ____ and my leadership qualities are _____ and I have room to work on _____.

Perhaps humility being a quality I have, remember Moses was the most humble man and he wrote about himself being humble, perhaps this humility blocks me from having a good view on my leadership skills.  Perhaps it can be attributed to low self esteem. Perhaps it can be attributed to my thick-headedness. Whatever it is, I really am not ready to write out a paper explaining what makes me a good leader. So what should I do? Take a poll.

This is your turn to tell me what makes me a good or bad leader, what qualities I possess that can lead to success, and what I need improvement on. With the exception of spell checking my last entry, I got that I put Obama instead of Osama.


Do your worst, or your best and feel free to answer anonymously!

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September 11th is a good day for reflections. Not just reflecting where you were on that day in 2001, but just how far you’ve come. In ten years, my life has totally changed. When my dad woke me up that morning, I was still living with my parents. My mom was still alive. Two of my old dogs were still alive. I was working in a brand new career as an xray tech. September 11th would be a catalyst to end the relationship I was in, even though I believed I was head over heels in love and certainly destined for marriage (in my fantasy world I suppose it could have  been true). I believed so many different things back then, I was a different person.

Today I find myself married, starting a new career and going to school. I have Jeramy in my life, as part of a faith journey more stressful than any September 11th, and definitely more rewarding. I have had to travel with so many different security things to do, it became second nature to live at orange alert level. I live in an apartment after having lost a job, a home, and my ego. Today I truly know that Christ is Lord, and He reigns in my life. I have in so many ways, lived a whole other lifetime since September 11, 2001.

The tears and heartache of that day were so deep, it instills a pain in my heart to remember. Now Saddam is gone, Obama is gone, and we sit in peace waiting for a chicken dinner. I know many have fought and battled to keep that peace and accomplish what has kept me and my family safe, and for that I am grateful. Nothing can undo the tragedy, yet it seems to have shaped my life for good. I have traveled safely multiple times across country and back, not minding taking off my shoes or being x-rayed because I know it will make a difference, it would have made a difference back then.

Days, months, and years and decades will pass, and I will never forget September 11, 2001. The media won’t let me forget, nor should they. I pray that in my lifetime and my child’s lifetime nothing that horrible is ever experienced again on our soils. My mother raised me to be proud to be an American, to feel blessed that I was born on this soil. So I salute the flag and say a prayer and always thank servicemen and women for my freedom. (And not forget the fire and police in that as well.) Thank you all, today I say a prayer for you all.

Posted in faith, family, God, holidays, ponderings | 2 Comments